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When I decided to get a divorce, I was done feeling alone and a single parent in my marriage. It had been years of me being a doormat, it was the moment I picked myself for the first time in a very long time. In this blog I am going to tell you why I filed for divorce while pregnant.
I was taking my life back, I began taking steps to learn how to be me again.
At the time I got married I was ready to settle down, share a life and grow old with him.
I knew it would be hard work and I had no intention of ever getting a divorce. I loved him, he loved me we would build our life together grow old together and eventually have kids and be amazing grandparents and travel the world.
Early on in our relationship I knew we viewed things differently. When we met I had my life together I had been at the same management job for years, owned my home, had 2 cars paid off, a nice big savings account, 401k, Ira, I could travel when I wanted to, no debt. He on the other hand was broke, making practically nothing, he was in a car lease he couldn’t afford, lived in an apartment that utilities kept being shut off, no savings, he drove around in his car with expired license plates for 8 months until I borrowed him the money, which took him a year to pay me back.
We lived different lifestyles however, he was a caring and great man. He was a hard worker. I fell in love with him and the future I thought we would have together.
When we were dating we had talked about getting engaged, I talked about the ring I wanted and how I wanted the man I married to ask my dad for permission to marry me. I wouldn’t even consider marrying a man who didn’t talk to my dad first.
The night he proposed I didn’t even realize it was happening. I was clueless. We went to a restaurant; the service was horrible and there was a situation where the bar staff kept taking other people’s orders at the bar in the lounge instead of his. After observing this from afar It took me going up to the bar to get them to take our drink orders.
Later on I found out that he was going to propose at dinner but what happened in the lounge before dinner he choose to wait.
After dinner we were in the car and he was talking about us getting married, he kept saying what would you say if I said “let’s get married” my response was “you have to get a ring and get on your knee and propose.”
When we got back to my house after dinner we were still talking then he asked me again “what do you think about getting married?” I turned around to say something and he had a ring box open in his hand. I was shocked it had been all talk before here in that moment it was happening.
He asked, “would you marry me?” I asked if he asked my dad’s permission, he had met with my dad that morning to get his blessing. I said yes. 6 months later we had a private family only ceremony of 50 people and a huge reception with 250 people. It down poured all morning then 1 hour before the vows the rain stopped the clouds broke and the sun was shining….it was magical.
Early on in our relationship I tended to pay for a lot of things because I made really good money and since we were married I viewed it as our money.
I bought his ring and my wrap for my engagement ring. I paid cash for our wedding, $9600 within 6 months of us getting engaged. We lived in my house. A year after the wedding we went to visit his family in Kenya, I paid for those plane tickets $2500.
A few years into our marriage I had baby fever I was ready to start a family. I told him I was getting off birth control and if he wasn’t ready to start a family, he would be responsible for birth control. Within 3 months of getting off the pill I was pregnant. 9 weeks later I had a miscarriage. I ended up having to have surgery, two weeks later I was pregnant again. We welcomed our first daughter January 27, 2014.
My husband had been driving cars for years he had been talking about wanting a pickup truck. My car was paid off so I told him he could sell my car and buy a truck with the cash he got from my car. After looking for a month he kept complaining he can’t buy a truck for $7500. So I gave him $2500 cash to put with the money he got from selling my car so he would have $10,000 cash to buy a truck.
A year later while still on birth control I found out I was pregnant with our second daughter, my husband was mad. He said we weren’t ready for another kid. I explained that I was still on birth control, so it wasn’t something I planned either.
My husband had lost his job after 10 years. He always talked about wanting to go to truck driving school. I encouraged him to do it, he can make way more money plus he really wanted a career change.
He worked third shift at a new job for a month while going to truck driving school during the day. A month after he passed his cdl test he found a truck driving job.
After our second daughter was born, he kept saying he wanted a newer truck. I told him no, I refused to get another car loan. When he sold my paid off car to buy a cash truck, we already had a family suv with a car payment. He kept pushing the subject trying to justify he works hard he deserves it, I refused. I told him if he wanted a truck payment, he could go get the loan himself. Since I had fixed his credit while we were married, he now had good credit, he could get a loan. That’s what he did he went and bought a truck on loan without me. I wasn’t happy. Here we are with two little kids, and now 2 car payments that are more than our mortgage.
It felt like we were living separate lives. I would look at him and had no idea who the man was I was looking at. I felt like there was another side of him I didn’t know, the man I knew and loved and this other person who was a stranger. Over the years it really hurt me. I felt like I was never good enough, I wasn’t his priority. We would get into arguments about making time for each other, money, not making time for us is a priority.
The biggest was he refused to let anyone including family watch the kids. I had the kids 24/7. I begged him for us to have date night like we did pre-kids, his response would be you can go out I will stay home with the kids. Yet he made it a priority to go out with his friends.
It wasn’t until our youngest was almost three that I started to feel trapped. I was giving so much I had become a doormat in my marriage. I would tell my husband how I felt alone in our marriage and asked if he would go to a marriage counselor or pastor with me, he refused.
The fighting increased as it became more apparent he treated me more like the nanny, housekeeper and accountant than his wife.
I would try and talk about our issues and he would refuse to talk, he would shut down and ignore me.
Fights became more frequent I spent more time alone taking care of the kids. He would go to work I would be home taking care of our kids plus I did in-home daycare at the time.
I just wanted to be loved and adored by my husband again. I didn’t understand what had happened why he was so closed off and distant. He refused to talk. I didn’t have the energy left to fight. I did everything myself; I took the kids to do things, I bought all their birthday and Christmas presents, I did all the cooking, cleaning, shopping. I felt like a single parent.
After about 18 months of me trying to get him to communicate and participate in our marriage I was done. I couldn’t do it anymore, pretend to others that we had this great relationship and family. I was exhausted emotionally I didn’t have any tears left. My heart broke that I was going to tell him I wanted that forbidden word I swore I would never use, divorce.
The final straw was when my daughter made a picture at school of her family. I asked her where is daddy? Her response was he is never around, he doesn’t do stuff with us, so I didn’t put him in the family picture. I was crushed, knowing my child had already picked up on his lack of involvement.
I was raised with my mom and dad in the same house, they were married 34 years. I wanted my daughters to have their dad, except it was right then and there I realized my daughters will not have the kind of dad I had. The best chance of giving that to them is by eventually meeting someone else who would be a great stepdad to my children.
February 8, 2019 I told my husband I wanted him to move out. I couldn’t do it anymore, he refused to help work on our issues and refused to spend time with me and our kids. He didn’t want a divorce he ignored me. 2 weeks later he came to me and said he would agree to a separation but not a divorce.
Then he said he needs time to save up to move out. We agreed he would stay until the middle of April. A week later he came to me and said he was moving out March 9th. He found a townhouse that will be ready then. He changed his direct deposit and took money from our savings account to move.
2 days before he was scheduled to move out, I found out I was pregnant with our third daughter. I was out of town with my family and the kids. He wasn’t there, just another time he refused to do family stuff. I remember laying in the hotel bed feeling twinges in my stomach and I remembered feeling that with my prior pregnancies. The next day I went to Walmart and bought a few tests. When we went to a restaurant for lunch I went into the bathroom and took a test, the lines appeared as soon as it spread over the test…no waiting 2 lines I was pregnant. I was very excited I wanted to have a third child, my husband didn’t want any more children.
The next day when I got back in town I started crying before I told him because I knew he would be upset. He was livid. He said some nasty things to me. He couldn’t understand how this happened. I reminded him of our conversation 3 months prior because of the high risk of cancer at my age I no longer could be on birth control. At that moment he agreed he would be the one in charge of birth control. Well if you’re not preventing it, then that’s how it happens. I suggested get he a vasectomy, he refused.
Finding out we were having another baby It didn’t change my mind I was already living like a single mom of 2, what’s one more.
He was scheduled to move out March 9th. The night before he moved out I told him I didn’t want a separation I wanted a divorce.
After everything I had been through and the things he said to me I couldn’t forgive him I didn’t know who he was but I knew he wasn’t worth my time and emotion anymore. I deserved to be happy. My kids deserved a dad. I wanted a man who wanted to go on date nights and go do things with the kids as a family.
I filed for divorce March 28th. When I filed they didn’t inform me that because I was pregnant our divorce would be on hold until after the baby was born. In the state of Nebraska they do not allow you to get divorced if you are pregnant.